Transcript

Intro

Parents will do anything for their kids — drive carpool, proofread essays, stalk the roommate on Instagram. But when it comes to the college search, what exactly should parents be doing?

Today we’re talking about the role of parents in college planning: how to help without hovering, guide without taking over, and support without suffocating. We’ve got expert Kristina Dooley here to help us figure it all out.

Let’s get into it.

It’s The College Talk Show. Today’s theme: The Parent Role in College Admissions, with special guest Kristina Dooley.
And now, here’s your host — Chris Bell.

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Setting the Stage

Parents want to help, but college admissions can feel like trying to diffuse a bomb with a teenager holding the instructions. There’s this unspoken fear: “If I say the wrong thing, I’ll ruin everything.”

Spoiler: you won’t. But you can make things smoother.

Some students feel their parents are too involved. Others feel like they’re doing it all alone. And you have to navigate that according to your family norm. The truth is, there’s no single right way to parent through college planning.

I do think there are some tips to share and some analogies to consider — and we’ll get into that today.

There’s a fine line between being supportive and maybe writing your kid’s essay in a font that suspiciously matches your holiday newsletter.

And students, if your parent seems a little intense about this process, remember: they’re not trying to drive you nuts. They’re trying to help you in the only way they know how.

I’ll be honest. As a parent myself, I get it. We want to help. We want to guide. But most of all, we want our kid to feel confident that they’ve earned this, that they’re the one plotting their path.

In some ways, college planning — and the whole college process — is a rite of passage. And learning to let go, for us parents, is a rite of passage too.

That’s why we’re bringing in Kristina Dooley today. She’s worked with hundreds of families, and she knows exactly how to bring the drama down a notch.

Stick around. We’ll be right back.

This episode is brought to you by Bell College Consulting. Visit bellcollegeconsulting.com to learn more.

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Meet Kristina

I am so happy to be here right now with Kristina Dooley. She’s a nationally recognized Certified Educational Planner and the founder of Estrella Consulting. She has over two decades of experience in admissions and college advising. She helps families work together in ways that reduce stress and foster independence. She’s a leader in this field, a frequent presenter at national conferences, and a trusted voice for parents seeking to support their students thoughtfully and effectively.

We are lucky to have Kristina here on The College Talk Show.
Kristina, thank you for joining us tonight.

Kristina: Of course. That was quite the introduction. Wow, you’re making me blush.

Chris: Oh, and I forgot to say — you’re also a good friend.

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What Is the Parent’s Role?

Chris: We’re talking about the parent role in college planning. I suppose the first question should be the big one: What is the ideal role for parents in the college search process?

Kristina: A lot of people say, “Parents, let your kid drive. Let them lead this process. Keep your distance.” I actually think there’s more of a compromise — a middle-of-the-road solution.

I don’t think parents should be completely hands-off at all in this process. I think it’s necessary for them to be involved. But I do agree that the student should really be the one driving.

If we’re using the driving analogy, the student is driving, but the parent is absolutely in the front seat.

How many times are we in the car and we say to our passenger, “Hey, can you check the side? Make sure I’m not too close to that car?” There’s advice you get from the passenger. They’re not telling you where to go or giving exact directions, but they’re there to help when you need it.

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Helping with Academic Direction

Kristina: One area where parents often jump in is choosing academic areas of study. We might say, “Hey, you’re great at this, so you should study this.”

Instead, it can be more helpful to hold back a bit and ask more probing questions:

• What makes you happy in your schoolwork?

• If you like math, what do you like about it?

• If you like language arts, is it the reading? The writing? The content?

Those kinds of questions help students find their own direction when it comes to what they want to study in college.

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Common Mistakes Parents Make

Chris: Do you have other thoughts on mistakes or ways parents might cross the line into driving the process too much?

Kristina: Sure. One of the biggest mistakes I see is not giving students a clear financial picture — or at least a good sense of it.

Parents don’t have to reveal all of their financial details, but students do need a realistic sense of what’s within the family budget and what isn’t. If there’s a budget, they need to know there’s a budget. That’s a major piece.

A second mistake is living vicariously through your teenager. “I didn’t get to do this, so I want you to.” This is not our college search. This is our teenager’s. Projecting what we wish we would have done is not helpful — it can really backfire.

Another thing we tend to do as parents is look in the rearview mirror:
“We should have done this.”
“They didn’t do that, so now they don’t get this.”

A parent once said to me, “There’s a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.” I love analogies — they help me understand things. But that image really stays with me. We can’t drive this process by constantly looking backward.

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When Parents Talk First

Kristina: I also think about how we respond after campus visits.

Our realtor analogy is helpful here. When my husband and I were house hunting, our realtor would say, “Go ahead and look around,” and then he’d ask for our feedback. It wasn’t the reverse. He didn’t start by telling us what to think.

Sometimes on campus visits, parents get in the car and immediately say, “Can you believe that…?” or “I loved this…” But the student may not have felt the same way. What the parent saw as a negative might not bother the student at all.

So I think parents should take more time to listen first. Ask questions. Let students share what they noticed. We’re not them. They’re different people, and we need to value their thoughts.

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What Students Should Know About Their Parents

Chris: For students watching this — what’s one thing you wish they knew about why their parents might be acting the way they are?

Kristina: Students, your parents are acting the way they are because they love you and they want the very best outcomes for you.

They want you to share everything about yourself, every shining moment. We know that’s not fully possible in any application, but they still want that for you because they care so deeply.

I also want to say: it’s okay for you to talk to your parent about how their approach is affecting you. You can say, “Hey, this is making me anxious” or “This is stressing me out.”

One strategy I’ve seen work really well is setting aside specific time for college talk. Instead of having questions thrown at you the moment you walk in the door, you agree on a dedicated time each week that’s strictly for college conversations — and then you table it outside that time.

That way, it’s not causing anxiety every moment of the day.

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Working Together as a Family

Chris: As we wrap up, is there one thing you wish more families understood about working together during college planning that we haven’t already hit?

Kristina: The families who are most successful are the ones where communication is strong.

For parents, the most effective way to lead your child through this process is to remember your seat is the passenger seat, not the driver’s seat. Don’t reach over and grab the wheel.

Chris: Love it. Thank you so much for joining us, Kristina. That was rich, valuable information.

Stick around. We’ll be right back.

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Top Tips

This is the part of the show where I highlight some of the main points we covered today. It’s kind of a summary — but we call it Top Tips.

Top tips.
Top tips.
Kind of a summary, but we call it tips.

Here we go.

For Parents

• Ask questions.

• Discuss budget upfront.

• Take time to listen.

• Hear the student’s thoughts before sharing your own.

• Set specific times of the week aside for college talk.

• Remember: you’re in the front passenger seat; the student is driving.

• Avoid vicarious “do-overs” of your own college days.

For Students

• It’s okay to set your boundaries.

• Your parents are acting out of love.

For Everyone

• Communication is key.

So there you have it. That’s your list. And that’s The Parent Role show.

Thank you again to Kristina Dooley.
And remember — college is awesome.